This is My Brain-think...

Alyssa-

2006-11-01T20:45:14Z

Okay here are my questions:

1) What expenses are there that you know of?

2) How many days a week do you go to class?

3) What classes can you take at school?

4) What classes can you take at home?

5) How often do you have to go to meetings?

6) How much do your parents need to help you with?

7) Do you find it easier to work by yourself?

8) [Is there any way I could get a ride with you if I took the same classes?]

Mucho love dear-
Joolia

Apathy

2006-10-30T05:17:41Z

Why am I posting?
Good question, no answer.
Lynard was at church today, but as usual, I didn't say hi to him. Of course, the last two weeks my parents have come inside to get me so it's not like we could have had a conversation, but still . . . I could have said hello.
I don't know why I'm avoiding him. There's no reason that makes any sense. He hasn't done anything. Geez I make eye contact with the guy every sunday...
I have his phone number, I could call him. But that would just be awkward. There would be nothing to talk about. Besides, there's no point in bothering him unless there's an emergency. I wouldn't even call him then, though. I pity the poor guy, putting up with me so long. I think youth leaders should get special treatment in heaven.

So I found out today that one of my youth leaders was diagnosed with cancer last year. I didn't know this, so hearing her say this in church was horrible. But then she went on to say that God had told her before then that he would heal her body from disease [though she obviously had no idea what he was talking about]. Well, 3 months ago she was tested again and the results were still abnormal. Then, last week she went in for a procedure and they ended up testing her even though they hadn't planned on it, and the results came back NORMAL.
Oh wow.
Happymiraclegoosebumps.

I'm working on not being angry at God right now, wish me luck.

I Was Thinking, Overthinking

2006-10-24T04:49:44Z

So the Day of Silence is tomorrow.
I'm not quite sure how I feel about that yet.
I've been praying all week, and fasting (at least my sad attempt for it), but I'm still pretty nervous. Which I know should throw up red flags and warning lighs and a really annoying siren nose in my head.
I'll pray some more tonight.

Dad and I tried to make a t-shirt tonight by using that iron-on stuff. -cough- yeah, we're noobs. After printing it out on the wrong side once, we thought we had finally gotten it. So we ironed and ironed until we realized our mistake. Just because we used white paper didn't mean we would get a white iron-on. No. it was clear. That's how smart we are :)
So I'll just layer tanktops or something since Steve has my other shirt. Jerkface.

Gnar. I wish I could make him happy and not suicidal. It makes me really sad to hear him say he doesn't want to live. Not that life is very appealing to me right now either, I just don't want to see him down in the dumps like that. I sent him messages saying how much I loved him and how he was great and I was always there for him and stuff, because that's what he said he needed to hear. And he kind of opened up about what's bothering him. But it got too personal for him, which I understand. We aren't super close or anything. So I gave him a hug today and told him I'd beat his face if he ever scared me like he did over the weekend.

I want to go to church. Oh wow do I want to go to church. But I want a happy day. Not a break-through day. A day where worship makes you smile and want to twirl around in circles because you know God loves you so darn much; the message makes you laugh, not cry; and at the end of service you're actually happy you went. And I want to see Lynard. I haven't seen him in forever and I really want to know how HE is doing for once. I think that's why I want to be happy so much. I want to be in good enough shape to say "Hey, how are YOU doing?" Because he worries about me so much and tries so hard to make me smile, which he always does. And I'm dying to return the favor. I saw him on Sunday but I was with my Mom and I don't want to introduce them for some reason. Some very selfish reason that might, if it were ever spoken out loud, sound like this- "You can't meet Lynard because he's nice and I don't want you too poison him."
-cough- somebody's holding a grudge . . .
Anyways, I know he saw me and he knows I saw him but I still didn't say "hello". He knows not too if I'm with my parents because he knows how weird things often are between us. So now I feel bad. Because he makes my day and I just want him to for once see me smile and really mean it. One of those "Today's a good day because God made it and the sun is shining and life's going good" kind of smiles. Because those don't grace my face often.

Wow I love Relient K.

The Truth is Excuses are Lame

2006-10-23T05:49:04Z

Relient K = Love

I'm a cliche ship being tossed at sea

2006-10-20T05:18:54Z

I wonder if there's such things as an addictive personality. Not addicting, addictive. As in you're just unlucky when it comes to addictions. Because I think that may be me, if there is such a thing.

Not that I have many addictions. But if I get stressed out or overwhelmed, I automatically want to drink or pop pills. That's really....weird. Considering I have never dared try either of the two and I really hope I never do. But the thought of it won't leave me alone.
I won't do it. I don't think I will at least, I would be too scared to try anything. But I don't think I should be thinking like this.

I talked to a buddy of mine about this freak-o anxiety I've been having, and she says it's normal. That it's just a phase. Which bugs me I guess. I trust her and rely on her advice, but I HATE it when people label ANYTHING as a phase. Because the majority of the time it isn't. And I'd like to say that this is just a phase, I'd even like to say that I hope this is just a phase. But that's not honest and I'm really trying to work on my honesty. I want it to be SOMETHING. Something that has an easy way out. Like a prescription, or another simple way to solve it. I just want someone to say "Do this and everything will be alright again". Because I'm an easy-way-out kind of person. That's just me. Which should mean that I would want this to be something normal that will go away on its own, right?
But I don't. I don't know why I don't, I just don't.

But it probably is. The only problem (besides the problem I've been talking about) is that I can never stop thinking about what it might be long enough for me to consider that it might be nothing. So I end up unknowingly making it something when it was probably nothing to begin with.

Does that make sense?
I should pray. But I know if I pray God's going to tell me something I don't want to hear and I really don't want to hear something like that right now. Maybe he could just say "Julia, you're crazy. There's a reason for all of this poop going on, and it can be fixed by a simple -insert solution here-" But he won't. Because he's God and he's smarter than that.

Lately prayer has been like this.
1. God brings up something touchy
2. Julia avoids it
3. God keeps pushing
4. Julia gets uncomfortable and drowns God out with very loud and distracting music

Which is how it will be tonight, and tomorrow, and the next day, and so-on and so-forth. Until I finally swallow that icky sandpaper that is my pride and listen to what he has to say. Because I know in the end what he has to say is really important.

hello_self @ 2006-10-19T06:09:00

2006-10-19T13:10:44Z

-freaking out-

I want to ask Mom if I cans tay home today.
I'm really anxious and stressed and I just don't want to go. I reall doubt she'll let me though. And if she says no I don't know what I'll do. Probably have an emotional breakdown or something.
I don't know.
She needs to wake up so I can ask her because time's running out.

nkshvbadsggtvlaw.aeaywy./awyabyaw4;yba3

hello_self @ 2006-10-18T21:25:00

2006-10-19T04:44:19Z

life hasn't been so horribly horrible lately. It feels kind of weird, yet a welcome relief.
I saw my therapist today. Well, that's about the extent of our interaction. We made eye-contact as he was walking into Freshman hall on the way to his office. That's it. He didn't ask to talk to me or anything, which is annoying to say the least. I distinctly remember him saying we would meet once a month.
.....two months later.....
So I've given up on that. I really think that happened for a reason -cough-God-cough-. I've been trying to lean on everyone but the only one who can really help. So I'm going to try that. I don't think it's going to be one of those snap your fingers and it's over. I think I'm going to have to work at it. I'm going to have to pray and go to youth group and read my Bible instead of waiting for a miracle. I've got to stop thinking God's going to do all of the work.

Other news, that friend of mine who I was having difficutlies with? Things still suck. But in a new way. It's like we can't get along. We just tick each other off and I don't get why. We exchange five words and we're either in an argument or walking away. We've skipped the whole 'drifting apart' phase and jumped right into 'who are you and why are you talking to me again?' Awkward much. I want to pursue a relationship because I know I have to. That's about it though. I'm really sick of the circumstances. I have to get along with her because we go to the same youth group and being angry with each other just makes things hard. But she's driving me CRAZY. She has this really bad habit where when I try and explain something negative that happened to me, she'll say "Oh that's nothing, last night . . ." or "You know what, shut up. This is what happened to me . . ." I don't want to put up with it. I can't tell her ANYTHING anymore because she's always trying to outdo me. I don't want to compete. She may have had a crappy week, I'm not denying that, but SO DID I. Is it impossible that something stressful could be happening with me? Obviously not, because NOTHING can compare to what SHE'S going through.
-grumble-

I'm going to fail math. I figured that out yesterday. 1. I can't focus 2. I can't grasp the concept and 3. I can't ask for help.
1+2+3= YOU SUCK.
I absolutely hate asking for help. It's like swallowing sandpaper. Or something equally painful that I've actually done. I just don't understand math. And that fact that my twin sister, who happens to have a 92.5% in that class, sits right behind me, makes it a lot harder.
Just counting down the days until I homeschool...
Except, I'm thinking I shouldn't. That was sudden actually, it's lately been "I want too so I should".
Why do I feel guilty about that all of a sudden?

hmm....
Someone needs to pray tonight.....

Like a toddler loves a bubblebath

2006-10-17T03:21:05Z

No real point to this entry, I don't think so anyways.
I'm listening to Bradley Hathaway [love].
I'm pretty bored, and pretty tired. But I don't want to sleep. Or rather, I do, but I don't want to get out of this extremely comfortable chair.

Friend of mine told me the other day that she had a conversation with my teacher about me. That's weird, I figured that teacher [choir teacher] was unaware I was even in her class. But [friend] said teacher asked why I always looked so down and depressed. Teacher asked why I always looked like I hated the world.
That frigthens me. Is it so obvious?
I really hope not. Maybe she's just really good at reading people
Yeah...

I heard a really great song on The Effect today, but I forgot it. I hate when that happens. It was a great song.
And I now have the sudden insatiable urge to listen to Overflow.

You say you're falling apart.
Reached the end of the line.
Just looking for your place inan ordinary life.
No one calls you friend.
No one even knows your name.
You just want to feel loved instead of all the pain.

You no longer have to say.
No one's listening anyway.

Come here and cry on my shoulder.
I'll hold you 'till it's over.
I'll rescue you tonight.
Let my arms be your shelter,
You're hiding place forever.
I'll love you more than life.

You're wearing a frown.
Given up on hope.
My heart is reaching out.
More than you will ever know.
Is your burden too much?
Is it more than you can bear?
I'll help carry the load if you're willing to share.

You have had some hard times.
Had thorns placed in your side.
I know about what you've been going though.
Tears of pain are falling down.
It hurts so bad you're crying out.
Your problems wont last forever.
Let Me put you back together.

When all the things around me have fallen to the ground

2006-10-12T04:51:30Z

I'm still confused, am I alright?
I don't feel alright, I feel wrong in every possible way. But I tend to over-analyze things. So maybe I'm fine, but I'm making it seem like I big deal.
It shouldn't be a big deal. Really, I don't even know what the 'deal' is. I don't know what's going on with me. I don't know what's causing this horrible anxiety. I can't take all of this confusion. I was in 5th period today and considered asking Mr. C to excuse me for a while, because I was on the verge of tears. Again.
What's wrong with me? I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I am.
Sure, there's some frusterating situations I may or may not be dealing with, but they're really not that big of a deal. Really, they shouldn't bother me.

I guess to be completely honest, I know what's going on. Kind of... I know how to fix it at least.
I haven't been able to pray for about 5-6 weeks now, and it's killing me. I have come to a new realization of what the word 'alone' means. I can't pray, trying to worship is pointless, and what's freaking me out most is when I hear the word "God" I get angry. angry. Why am I angry?

I have no reason to be angry, I'm the one who's abandoned him. Not the other way around.

I'm so hopeless lately. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I don't even want to live. What's the point really? If I have no purpose, no ambition, and no God. Why even try? Life is meaningless. My 'friends' have alienated me so I can't even consider them as someone to confide in.
Me, being the 'friend' I am, decided to be honest with me 'friend' about a question she asked me. Which was, of course, "Do you cut yourself?"

I don't understand why I'm stuck with the friends who ask seemingly random yet painfully touchy questions. So, I was honest. And now all I hear is "And you say you're a christian." "How can you be a christian and cut yourself?" "Does that mean you're emo?"

I just want to scream. You know what? I AM NOT PERFECT.
I know I'm not, and I'm tired of people shoving it in my face. I know I'm a crappy christian, I'm nothing close to and image of God. But I'm trying.

At least I was.
I don't think I can anymore.

There's no point to it.
God doesn't love me as everyone says, and even if he did at one point, he can't possibly now. I'm an imperfect mess and I can't keep trying to hold myself together.
So, if I can't give it over to God, and I can't deal with it on my own.

What can I do?

hello_self @ 2006-10-02T19:19:00

2006-10-03T02:35:50Z

Hey I have to ask you a question.... but you have to answer truthfully okay

Did you tell (insert friend name here) about the time you saw me and (insert loser guy name here) kissing?

If you did I would rather have you tell me than for you to hide it from me because that really hurts because that means that I can't trust you as much as I thought. I don't know if you did tell her or not but I just want to know okay! sorry for doing this over an e-mail but I can't really call you can I? well talk to you later

(insert 'best friend' name here)

That's the email I just got from my so-called 'best friend'. I don't get it. Why would I say something like that when I've NEVER come across them kissing (not this year at least). I mean, I know they do, but I've luckily never seen it first-hand. It just... I don't know. This- "really hurts because that means that I can't trust you as much as I thought" ticked me off because she is the one who's been hiding stuff from me. Not the other way around. I tried to bring that up with loser-boy (as I'm calling him because even though I can't stand him I will respect his privacy) but this is all I got:

well im not in a relationship we are NOT dating her mom wont let her date until shes 16 and she promised you and (insert friend name here) that she wouldnt' date her sophmore year. So dont assume that im in a relationship without asking me. If you dont want to be my best friend then fine.

-sigh- . . . I don't know. I'm angry at both of them, but I'm finding it so hard to be mad at her that I'm directing all my anger towards him. I'm so bitter right now that I'm looking forward to when this all blows up in their faces. It will, it has time and time again. And maybe this time they'll see it. Everyone else does, they're losing friend after friend after friend over this nonexstistent relationship.

And I don't want to be one of them.
I just . . . I want them, him mostly, to feel pain. To feel alone like he's caused me to feel alone. And I want her to feel vulnerable with no one to help, because that's what she's done to me. When I needed help, she wasn't there for me. So, in return, I don't want to be the person she falls back on. I'm looking for more than that. I'm not the kind of person who will sit back and be ignored until her friend gets heart-broken and comes running back for support. I want to be there to help her, but I should be more than a last resort.

And with him, well . . . I'm through with him.

I know how I'm feeling and what I'm saying is wrong. But I can't help it. Call it human nature, call it sin, it's just how I feel.

heretics

2006-10-02T04:18:43Z

mmmmm.....

So I went to church today, and I knew I should have just stayed home. I ended up crying... I hate that. And you'd think, if God brought me to that point, he would have caused a break through or something. I have my Pastor, who I totally look up too, praying over me. And what he's saying makes sense, but it's not what I need to hear. His words related to my life, but that's not what I was searching for.
I was on my knees, begging God to give me something, and I went home empty-handed. That's been happening a lot lately. I was vulnerable, I was honest, and it just got shoved in my face.

I'm so sick of it. I am so sick of it.

I have no motivation. I'm angry, I'm disgusted. I am more depressed than I thought a 'christian' could be. I was ready to lean on God today, but he wasn't willing to let me. I don't understand it. Is he finally sick of me?
There's no one I can talk to lately, because they're all so absorbed with their own lives. I'm not saying that's their fault or anything, I know life can be stressful. But for some reason, neither of my youth leaders (the ones I talk too) were here today, my therapist is never in, and my "best friend" has traded me in. There's no one there.

I'm sick of being broken, of being kicked when I'm down. I'm sick of being weak. I just want to be happy again. I want it so bad right now that I'm considering medication. It wouldn't be that hard to get ahold of.
It just kills me to think that I would have to turn to something other than God. I want to be close to him, my heart is aching for him. But I don't know how to get to that place again.

Romans 2:4-5
Yet I hold this against you: You have forgotten your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.

I am looking back at that place, and I'm SO homesick. I miss being able to go to God about anything. About leaning on him, trusting him, having faith in him. I don't have that now. I'm doubting his love for me, even my own salvation. I asked myself the question "If you died, would you go to heaven?" And my answer was, I don't know. I really don't know.

My Pastor asked me today if I knew that God loved me, and I said no. To be honest, I don't. I don't think he does. Why would he? Pastor's wife was talking about my spiritual gifts today, and I could think was "I don't deserve this."
Maybe it was just the devil whispering into my ear. It wouldn't surprise me. He's gotten so loud that God isn't even audible anymore. All I hear is "You're worthless. You don't deserve forgiveness, how could you even ask? All you do is screw up. Can't you do anything right? You should just give up, God doesn't want you. He doesn't want anything to do with you. You're worthless."
And I'm beginning to believe that I am. I really am.
If there were a way to give up right now, I would. But there isn't. I can't just quit life. I can't kill myself, I'm too much of a wimp. But I wake up ever morning wishing I had died during the night. Then I crawl through the day, my only motivation being that I can sleep that night, and not have to really live.

I'm just living to die....

-EXPLICIT-

2006-10-01T05:55:01Z

To the one who broke my heart-

I guess it's finally time to admit that you hurt me more than I thought it was possible. God, I can't even think about you without crying. Why? Because I said "I love you" and I meant it, you said it to appease me. And now you stand in front of me confused as to why I don't want to hug you, don't want to look at you, don't want to speak to you. I gave you my trust, I shared my deepest secrets with you, and it still wasn't enough. I waited, and I waited, and I waited for you to make a decision. And in the end... it was her.
I deserved it, I know it. You weren't mine, I had that chance. And I decided instead to try and take you from a friend. And as God as my witness I will never forgive myself for it. But please, stop trying to bring me back to who I was then. I don't want to be that girl. I can't be that girl because she's so easy to be.
But she's a slut, she's a bitch, and she's heartless.
I don't want to be her again. I did all of that for you, and you could care less. All I get from you is "Do you have any idea how long ago that was?"
Yes. I do. It started on September 26th 2005, when you asked me to homecoming. On September 29th, you didn't show. On October 1st, I started to date someone else. And for three months, you wouldn't say a word to me.
I remember it clearly and as much as I want to I will never be able to forget it.
Not the notes.
The poems you wrote me.
The embraces.
The 3 hour phone calls.
Or that particular 5th period, in the winter, when it rained, and I found out how low I could really sink.

Yes, I remember. I fucking remember. And God it hurts.

It's nice to hear that I meant so much to you. That with all of your talk of loving me, of caring for me.... I was worthless.
And now, after everything. You want to be friends? You want things to go back to how they were?
When I sat at home crying while you made out with her after school?
While I waited for the phone to ring, knowing you were talking to her?
While I watched you hold her hand and whisper into her ear?

No. NO. not again. I will not belittle myself. I'm not worth much, I've proven that. But I'm worth more than you have to offer.
Forget what we had. Forget out friendship.
It's over.
We're over.
You've shown that your words and actions are unrelated.
So, fine.

Fuck you.
I'm sick of it.

This is where I prove I'm more than what I've been.

Yay for Life, Everything's gonna be alright

2006-09-29T03:54:32Z

Dad's angry.
That makes me sad for some reason.
He got in a fight with mother, and then threw the phone against the wall. I tried to find the battery, but it's lost. I figured it might make him less angry if he didn't have to put it together again, because that would mean he would have to think about it again. I don't want him too.

I tried to pray today. Well, I guess that's a bit of a lie. If I tried, I could. I started too, I'll give myself that much. I just... it's like I haven't for so long that I can't anymore. I feel like I'm not allowed too, if that makes any sense. I don't want to ask for anything, but right now I'm in such need of help that I NEED too.

I don't know. I should pray. I should. But like I've said before, I won't.

I'm freaking myself out. Lately, I'll be crying or really depressed one minute, and then something totally stupid will set me off into a fit of laughter. Not just like 'heh, that was funny' I mean, if anyone were home when that happened today they would have institutionalized me.
Perhaps I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I want to drop out of high school.

tomorrow.

Uncontrollably Sporatic

2006-09-28T23:43:18Z

Bradley makes me smile

Thou Shalt Not lie

2006-09-28T16:14:38Z

I kind of lied this morning.
I should have gone to school, I'm not that sick.
My ear's feeling a bit better, but my throat still hurts. AND my head hurts, so maybe it wasn's a lie.
I'm going to pay for it tomorrow though... three days of make-up work to finish by monday.
Not to mention, this is three practices. My mom's going to be so disappointed...
Whatever.
Maybe I'll try out next year when I have a better idea of what they're looking for.

I've been wondering lately, about different froms of relief/release. Surely there has to be one less self-destructive than what I've been doing.
So I've been thinking about my eating habits. I'm not saying I'm going to try to be anorexic or anything, but seeing as how I can control what goes into my body, I think focusing more on that would be safer.
I'm going to test my limits, I guess. See how far I can push myself.
Maybe that doesn't sound safe, it probably sounds crazy. But I will be careful.
I just want to try it, not for the sake of weight-loss, I don't really care about that right now.
I don't know why I want to, I just know I do.

hello_self @ 2006-09-27T19:41:00

2006-09-28T02:58:36Z

-Something I wrote at school during a moment of extreme not-feel-good-ness-
It's also the closest to prayer that I've been in a week.

"God, I would give you my life, but I've made such a mess of it I don't think it would be of any use to you.
I would give you my heart, but it's so cold and hardened I doubt even your love could heal it's wounds.
I would give you my mind, but between the guilt, fear, shame, and confusion I don't think there'd be enough room.

I would give it over God, but I don't know how. I wish with all of my pathetic being that you would just snap your fingers and make everything alright again. But I guess if you were going to be that generous, you'd have done it by now.

I'm longing for that joy I know can only come from you. But what do I have to be thankful for? What is there to be joyful about? I'm surrounded be pain and disappointment, and you're so far out of reach.

I am so hurt God. I know that the majority of this situation is my fault, but that only makes it more painful. I've only made things worse for myself . . . I know I was wrong to choose that release, I know from the aching spreading from my wrist to my stomach. The anxiety is so bad I want to puke.

What am I supposed to do? Pray about it? I've tried that before. many times. It only ends up with me making promises I know I can never keep. And then we end up here. Again.

I don't want to hear that I have to take a step of faith, because I have none. If that's a sin, fine. Punish me for it. But I don't. Besides possessing the knoweledge that you exist, it's like you're not even there. I can't give this over. I've proven that. It's not something where I can say "Okay God, take it." . How many times have I said that, then felt myself mentally saying "Forget it, give it back!" You know I want to. You have to know that. I just can't.

So what's there to do? Sit around and wait for this problem to progress? It's progressing, and I can see that you're intent upon not giving me any help with it (exp: I can't go to youth group, my therapist hasn't called for me in almost two months) Is that you? Is there a reason for it? I was ready to ask for help today. I really was. Who knows, maybe it could have gotten resolved, maybe I could have gotten better advice than "Pray about it".

If I pray, and you don't do anything, what's the point? I don't want another emotional experience surrounded by pastors where I promise to, once again, give it up. I CAN'T. I don't care how many people say it's a matter of faith, or will, or confidence. I can't. I've tried and tried, and I'm so sick of failing.

So, if I'm not going to get any help from you. Fine. There's no point in trying. I know I can't stop, so why waste the effort?
I would much rather live in defeat then die trying to succeed. "

shoo-bop, sha doobi-doo

2006-09-27T22:11:02Z

I.don't.like.ex-boyfriends.

Tone asked me out AGAIN. I thought that was over with. That's what he said last year in between calling my fat and stupid. Yeah, I'll go out with you again!
moron...
He comes up in his stupid Patrick Swazy outfit, thinking he's soooo cool, and says "I was just wondering if you'd give me another chance this year." HAH.
As if the 353286139465 chances I gave him last year weren't enough. Then, AND THEN, he tries to make himself seem more appealing by saying that I helped him get in touch with his "religious side".
Ugh.
And THIS is why I don't date.
After all of that, 15 minutes of it, he says "Well, I don't really want a girlfriend right now."
I had to ask, then why in pete's sake did you bring it up?

idiotic ex- "Couldn't hurt, could it?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

He drives me up the flippin wall. Sure, I'll just forget that you threatened to kill yourself last year because I wouldn't date you. I'll just put behind us the fact that you called me over the phone to tell me you were carving x's into your arm, and would continue to do so until I gave you another chance. No big deal right? Let's just forget that you spread a rumor about me being a homosexual and having a romantic relationship with my best friend.

Yes, Tone. What took you so long to ask?
-gag-

sdsoeghscbihbdrgwnosd

Wow I want to go to youth group. But I can't. It starts in two and a half hours. While they're having a good 'ol time, I'll be sitting here suffering. Oh woe is me...
Well, it was either stay home and miss youth group or go to school until 8 for Grease. Which I can't do right now because of my stupid ear infection.
I'm dropping the musical tomorrow. I want to do it, I do. But I can't keep staying out until 9 for practices and staying up until 3 doing homework. I'm already behind, I just don't have enough time.
Ew... music teacher is going to kill me. MOM is going to kill me.

And here comes a random section of my spanish book:

Patricia- Tengo muchos carteles y muchos libros. Pero David . . . no tengo muchos amigos.
David- Ay, Patricia . . . iyo soy tu amigo!

-sigh- such a happy ending...

hello_self @ 2006-09-24T17:57:00

2006-09-25T01:27:38Z

Expressing my deep distaste that I have an unplanned practice tomorrow night.

SEhtAOUWEHOVNiseghKIUEGFIOAhOaoeghOoefghaetbaoOWUgfaosghoAIEgfAOFhABEFAOEtHAOEIAETibCOAEitAOWEithAOIFnAFOQP#ETOQETYEGHVNQAwet9UETYQE9QW#P(QWhBVPQEIHQ#PQ(#rtuQEgnCpPIGhPIEgtePQ(#TNFPhgPygp34YTFGpgihoe$t pqytqp($#tyoiwehnvnpag oqaeighapsighapsdighqpe(pdvpijhe.....

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGAH!

I'm seriously considering dropping out of the musical. Not that I don't want to do it, because I really really really really do. But that's almost two months without youth group and I KNOW I'll get behind on my homework. Which isn't good, because Julia's grades aren't so good.

Progress Report numero uno:

English IIC: A+
Spanish I: C
Biology IIC: C-
Adv.Vocal: A+
Algebra I: C
Wor History: I (a.k.a. a sympathetic "F")

So I need to get my grades up super bad. And like I've repeated several times for the sake of emphasis, TWO MONTHS WITHOUT YOUTH GROUP.
Sure, I'm not really getting anything out of youth group right now considering my whole spiritual tantrum. But I HAVE to go. I would seriously die. But I don't want to quit the musical either, because that would make me a quitter and I don't want to get into that habit. Which wouldn't be difficult, I'm prone to habits.
So I don't know. Oh wow, I don't know. I need to though, by 4th period tomorrow so that I can tell my instructor my decision. I could pray about it... but I know I won't. Because I'm smart like that.
This is freaking me out to be honest. I've had mini-rebellions before, where I just tell God to stick it in his ear because I'm oh so smarter than he is. But I don't think that's ever lasted more than a day because he always finds some clever way to put me in my place. He hasn't yet though... and it's been a while. So I'm kind of waiting for some sort of divine-interaction.
I could even go as far as to say I'm hoping it will come soon. I want to pray, but I'm almost scared too. I have no idea why. I guess it's like when you tell a lie, and you just keep lying after that so you don't get in trouble. I'm probably just avoiding the consequences. Not that there would be much besides my ever-growing guilt. It's just . . . uncomfortable. And being uncomfortable is making me even more uncomfortable because I'm not usually like this. I love praying, I did it all the time. I would count down the days to youth group because I was so excited of entering into that special moment with God. But I'm not right now. I want it, and I know it's right in front of my face. But I'm holding myself back.
I don't know how long I'm going to go on acting like I am. I'm just so afraid to take that step of faith and say "God, I'm giving it over to you. I mean, I'm really, honestly, 100%, no-joke, giving it over. " But I suck at that. Like my Braintwin said in paraphrased words because I'm in a bit of hurry. Actually never mind, I found el-quoto:

"okay God, I'm going to trust You with this thing because You're God and I know it's Yours anyway, and I don't want to screw it up," but it's like... while I'm praying "here's my situation, take it it's Yours," I'm tugging it back out of His hands"

So that's me. That's my Braintwin actually, but I'm stealing it because it's me too. It's weird, but I just feel like saying, "Hey God, I suck at the moment. And I'm a wimp, so could you just sort of make me feel better? Like reach into my life and pull all of that nasty not-good stuff out? Because I can't give it too you. So you're going to have to do it for me." At least I might say that if I could pray. I wish God could do that...

Or maybe we really COULD meet at Starbucks. I wonder... if you met God at Starbucks, would you offer to buy him a drink since he's God and all, or would he buy you a drink, seeing as he's God? And what would God drink anyways? I wonder if he's ever experienced the joy that is a chai latte...

OOOOOOOOOkay. More sleep tonight....

From Sunrise to Sunset

2006-09-23T23:56:04Z

Mmkay, so here's the song I'm learning as of last night. It's pretty easy, but ohmydeargoodness is it hard to sing along too. I don't know how long it's going to take to get this song down >< But I will prevail! I will.

Heh, I love this video. 'Tis like a mini-concert just for me!

Get Your Praise On

2006-09-23T03:52:56Z

Listening to Gen-14 right now...the few songs they have on myspace at least.
Today was a roller coaster ride.
I was at lunch and I was fine, the period before break went well. I was happy-ish. Then, a second later, I was just overwhelmed. There was no reason for it, nothing notable happened. It was so strong though that I had to get up and leave because I was afraid I would start crying in front of everyone. That's been happening so often this past week.
ajfhsgwegksdjhg;soug
People keep asking what's wrong with me but I don't know what to say. I could explain everything, just scream out everything that's gone horribly wrong, but like I've said before, what good would it do? They'll forget I ever mentioned it five minutes later anyways, so what's the point?

.......

My aunt emailed my sister today and she wants to see us. I haven't told my Mom yet, I'm really afraid she'll say no. It's weird not being allowed to see her... She was seriously like a friend to me. And now I can't associate with her at all. Mom said that she didn't agree, but she wasn't going to stop us from going on our birthday-shopping-spree with our aunt. But I know that if we go, she'll think we're siding with her sister. And that's not it at all.
I don't get what's so bad about wanting to see my Aunt. This isn't my battle, I had nothing to do with any of this. But since they don't want to work it out, I may never see my aunt again.

I should pray. I should. I have been really... just not for me. I'm praying more out of habit than anything else. It's kind of like I'm sending God an offline message, rather than meeting him at Starbucks and having a one-on-one/heart-to-heart like we used too. I... I can't do that right now. I know that trying to work everything out on my own will go up in flames eventually. But I just can't face praying right now.

Wow I love Paul Wright....

Holy Moment

2006-09-22T05:40:40Z

"Come, come, come/ We will worship God/ with our hands held high/ and our hearts bowed down/ We will run, run, run/ Through your gates O God/ With a shout of love/ With a shout of love/"

Don't know why I wanted that song here, but I like it. Even though I'm kind of unhappy with God at the moment -dodges lightning bolt- I know he's right and I'm wrong, I just haven't figured out how yet. I don't get it. He's right, I just don't get how he can be right and seem so wrong at the same time.

Had first practice for Grease tonight and I am so tired. We started learning Hand Jive which is so cool!^^ The girl who's teavhing us is a total jerk though. She's coaching us for her Senior Project and she has no motivation whatsoever. So she spent 2 hours screaming obscenities and yelling at us to shut up. Fun times ahead...

I also got my schedule. I'll have practice on Wednesday and Thursday of every week. AND, after our instructor tells me I'm going to be singing back-up for some of the lead numbers (she already told me I was) I'll have practice three days a week. I'm not going to get to go to youth group for 2 whole months. I don't know how I'll survive . . .

gneh;

And this temple's closed for business

2006-09-21T04:57:10Z

Just got back from youth group... and it was horrible.
I'm sure it was good for people who aren't me, but for people who are me, it really sucked. Worship started and we had a really great worship team there tonight, I love it when they come and I can just take a break and press in. But I didn't today. Pastor Rob had us close our eyes, focus on all the struggles we had gone through during the week, and just give it over. And I tried, I really did. But it got to the point where I was just begging God to rip it from my hands, because I couldn't give it over. I would say "God, I give this struggle to you, I lay it at your feet." And then realize that I was still holding on for dear life. And I don't know, maybe God can't just magically say "*poof*, your problems are mine. Move on." I guess that messes with the whole idea of free will. But I want him too. Ugh...anyways.
I love worship, but today, I just couldn't. I was standing there, singing a song that I absolutely love, and God just spoke to me. At least I think it was. Maybe it was just me. But it was like he just screamed at me "Don't mock me, Julia" and I had to step back it was so powerful. It actually made sense, I was standing, raising my voice to a God that I didn't believe had the power to help me. I was totally (unknowingly) shoving his grace and awesomeness in his face. It's like saying "I don't trust you at all, but I'm going to sing about how great and mighty and powerful you are." It doesn't work that way. So I didn't worship tonight. I stood with my arms crossed like the rebellious idiot I am. But there was nothing I could really do. I seriously can't just give something over. I guess my faith is sucky or something, but I can't. So there.
The message was okay, I wasn't really listening so I can't say much about it.
After youth group ended I walked outside to wait for my dad to finish the 30 minute drive from our house in the boonies to church. And of course, my favorite person was there. Yay for awesome youth leaders named Lynard, who are awesome. He always makes me smile. He tried to get me to tell him what was wrong, but I just didn't want to tonight. Well, I did. But I'll get into that later. So he spent about half an hour cracking jokes and just doing stupid stuff to make me feel better, which it did. A little. I even got to wear his awesome/amazing purple and black top hat. Heck yes. Mmmkay, so he asked again and I still wouldn't tell him. And I guess if I were to be totally honest, I really wanted to do. I really really did. But I don't. I'm so sick of there being something wrong that I guess I'm just going to see if ignoring its exsistance makes it disappear. Stupid, but I'm desperate. Anyways, he told me I was missing out on a chance to rant, which I know I did. And I miss that lovely moment I never knew already, but I don't want to make him listen to me. He's probably sick of me by now, he has to be. So I'm just going to keep my struggles to myself. I let him guess for a while though, since he was so persistent and said that he likes to guess. And he got close to it, which is scary because he has an uncanny abillity to do that. And he would have gotten it too, if it weren't for my medeling Father. But he drove up and I had to leave. So Lynard gave me his # and told me I could call him, but I don't think I will. I want to. I want to right now. But I don't want to bother him with my problems. He doesn't need that. No one does.
I don't. I hate bugging people with my problems, and I've found that there's no point in me talking about them. The situation I'm in still sucks, the only thing that changes is that now there are two people worried instead of one. And that's not really helpful.
So I guess I'm stuck trying to make it one day at a time like I have been. I really hoped that something amazing would happen at youth group, but it didn't.....

gneh.

I don't deserve this, it's not something for which I could take the blame

2006-09-20T03:20:56Z

I just typed a big long explantation about why exactly I want to rip my heart out, and then my internet decided to die....

So here's the short I-don't-feel-like-writing-it-again version.

I'm a crappy friend.
I'm selfish and self-centered.
I want to cut....
....badly.
I have absolutely no one I can talk to that would be able to help me because a) what I have to say would hurt them, or b) I'm too intimidated to say it.
I don't want to go to youth group tomorrow because I know my youth leader will drag all of this out of me and then I'll be a burden to him and I'm sick of hurting people.
I'm losing my friends to each other and no one can see it but me.
I have no motivation to live whatsoever, but none to to die. So I'm stuck wondering why in the world God won't just kill me and get it over with.
I'm sick to my stomach about everything that's going wrong and I want to cry. But I can't. So I want to scream, but I fear that would draw too much attention.
I want God to fix my life....again, but I'm too proud to ask. And I don't know if I could pray right now.
I'm being asked to help people that are unknowingly hurting me with their problems, when I can't even sort out my own. And I think that attempting to carry them both would totally break me.

I don't know what to do. What to say. What to pray. I'm sick of hurting, of screwing up, of ruining the life I'm trying so hard to keep together. I'm standing on the edge... and I want so bad to fall. But I'm so scared of hitting bottom....

And let the poets cry themselves to sleep

2006-09-19T02:19:28Z

Julia's annoyed right now because she had written something to post on here and then lost it.
Which means:
1. Anyone could be reading it right now.
2. She has to remember what was on that stupid piece of paper and hope it comes out right.

I'm angry . . . I think. I guess that fits the definition. But, 2527406875 other things could as well. So forget it. I'm not angry.
It's not like I have any reason to be anyways. Sure, I just found out that two of my friends don't trust me at all anymore, which is my fault, but they said they were over it so this is really bugging me. I made a mistake, I apologized, they said they forgave me. Well, one of them did. The other one really owes me an apology.... but I need to get over that. Wow... this isn't making sense. This is why I need the paper see?
I don't know... I'm angry, but I'm really hurt too. It's not like it's any of my business, but I figured since she claims I'm her best friend she might have told me. It'd not like I'd get mad or anything.
I just thought she trusted me more than that. I try and be honest with her, even if it's hard. And she used to be open with me, now she won't tell me anything.
This bites. I used to be able to tell her anything, and now all I can think is "Well, if you won't tell me anything, you obviously don't want the kind of friendship I thought we had." So why bother telling her anything?

Honestly, I can't blame it all on those two. I can't really blame it on anyone. I don't know what's going on. I could just be overanalyzing, or there actually could be something going on. I dread waking up in the morning, I can't sleep, and I seriously just want to lock myself in my room and never leave. I have no motivation for school, which means I'm behind.

.......way behind.
Which doesn't make me want to work any harder. And that's not me. So I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of not wanting to work-ness.

And I want to talk to someone. But I've been thinking lately that it's a total waste of breathe. I end up telling everything to people that can in no way relate and probably think I'm crazy by the time I finish. And when they do understand, they try and help, and then I feel bad for freaking them out. but honestly, I'm freaking myself out. This isn't me, but lately it is me, so I don't really know which me is really me. So I don't know which me to be .... that didn't make any sense.
Maybe I should just stop talking all together. It's obvioiusly not helping at all. It just burdens other people and leaves me feeling worse than before. But I think if I don't do something soon..... I might pop.

"Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
if you can't hold yourself together,
why should I hold you now?
Once a sceptic, now the critic
and you think that you've finally found a place of your own.
Among the cold and timid souls
where only failure knows your name
Look around for the closest to blame
but look no further than the hands beneath your arms
and now you're six feet down
buried with, with your passing fame"

A moment suspended in time

2006-09-09T03:26:19Z

Having that annoying feeling of wanting scream. But of course, screaming at the top of my lungs in a house full of people would not be that smart.
There's this anxiety I've been trying to fight off for the past few days. I'm worrying about EVERYTHING.
Even stupid stuff, like movies. I flipped out over Ferris Beuler's Day Off. How weird is that?
I'm worrying to the point of making myself feel physically ill. It's stupid.
I mean, sure, there's some stuff I'm nervous about. But it's nothing that could cause me to feel so not-so-me.
Short entry.... I don't know what to say.....

<333
Julia